Scars of Time
by CCtheGeek
Summary: A small davekat oneshot. tw:self harm


ou don't really think they've noticed. Not even Rose, who constantly psycho-analyses you, knows anything about it. Terezi, despite her creepy sniff and smell ways, hasn't realized. You don't ever see Gamzee and Kanaya doesn't know you well enough to realize it. You have a suspicion Karkat has realized something is wrong but you hope you are just being paranoid. The last thing you want for anyone is to find out what you have been doing for a while.

As a time player and a knight player, the burden of trying to keep everyone alive weighs on your shoulders. When you have time to reflect on the past, you wish you could change so many things. Save so many people. Hell, you would go back in time to stop the game from starting if you could. Instead you are stuck on the meteor, suffering from guilt and depression. You could've done something different. If only you hadn't fucked up at certain points, the amount of deaths would be reduced. However you are stuck in reality, unable to change anything. Forever haunted by death and nightmares.

You see every time you die, you feel the agony of your own death, you hate every time you fuck up and someone else dies. You can fucking see how shit you are at everything and the nightmares remember you that you should never rest because it is all your fault. You hate yourself so much you want to kill yourself. In fact, you might plan to do that but for the moment you don't have enough courage. And that is why you wear your god tier clothes- because it has long sleeves. Long sleeves to cover up the cuts.

When you first started, it wasn't that bad. Actually, it was absolute shit. You remember bawling your eyes out, crying over the fact you are such a disgrace, the tears streaming down your cheeks like a river. Locking yourself up in your room, making sure no one saw you in the worst state you had ever been. It's all your fault, those words echo throughout your head and the fear and guilt is just overwhelming. You don't want help, you find hurting yourself is more of a release. As if it was your punishment for being a dreadful burden. In fact, it is a way to punish yourself for fucking up 24/7. You don't say anything about it, eternally hiding behind your cool kid façade and irony, hoping no one can see through you.

During your talks with Rose, you don't divulge any information to her. Never. She would not let you get away with it and would most probably lecture you. She'd use a her soft expression and sweet words to make you break and that will not be accepted. Showing emotions is not a Strider way and you intend to keep it that way. For the sake of you and your bro. You miss him so much, if only you had been there. Maybe you could have helped or at least saved him. After Rose dismisses you, walking is the best thing. Taking a stroll let's you fix your composure, fix the cracks in the wall. If you didn't do this then you would cry all over the next person you see.

Which is Terezi. She looks gloomy, most probably guilty that she was hate-snogging Gamzee. Karkat figured it out and then made Gamzee his ex-moirail. Also, she was lost in her track of thought as she walked blindly past you, not even bothering to get a whiff of you. Does she have a grudge against you from when you broke up? Another reason to hate yourself, since you cause everyone to be upset. Just great Strider, fucking great. Award yourself with being the douche bag of friendship. Whilst you're at it, give yourself a gold trophy, to know how much you succeeded. Does the list of failure ever stop? No, no it doesn't.

Oh look, a pissed off troll is sitting at the table eating. Let's see how many buttons you can push without trying. "Morning Karkles." You casually enter and stride (heh) past him and into the kitchen to make a sandwich. He just grumbles under his breath before returning to eating whatever is on his plate. Meanwhile you grab two pieces of bread and stuff a bunch of random shit in them. Sandwich complete. You return to Karkat and realize his mouth is full, no wonder he only grumbled and didn't go into rage mode. Seems he also has a sandwich. You sit down carefully, avoiding your arm from hitting the table or using pressure on it. Karkat perks his head up when you sit, watching you intensely before carrying to eat. The bags underneath his eyes show how tired he is.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT STRIDER?" He shouts after finishing the mouth full of food he had. He is more interested in his sandwich than you. "Just trying to eat some food here. Sheesh if I knew this was sacred territory I wouldn't have stepped foot in your ritual kitchen." You put your hands up as if you were surrendering to him. He scoffs and swallows another bite of his sandwich. "LET ME REPHRASE THAT. WHAT IS WRONG STRIDER?" You freeze. The fuck? Oh shit, did he realize? After a mini heart attack you lean further back into your chair. "Nothing man I'm as chill as-" "DON'T BULLSHIT ME!" His yelling is louder. Panic sets in as you realize that he knows you aren't 'okay'. He knows something is wrong and part of you thinks you can't fool him since you are both knights.

Afraid to go near the topic, you push your sandwich away from you, getting up to leave. As you try to though, a hand grasps your wrist like a vice and you wince and yelp at the pain due to Karkat touching your cuts. Shocked, he releases his hand enough for you to take it back. He stares, wide-eyed at you then at your wrist. Then he pieces it together. Immediately, you retreat to your room, running away. Hopefully no one will bother you, hopefully they will leave you alone. When you reach your room, you twist the handle and viciously open it. You lock it, then leap into your bed and hide under the blankets, take off your shades and hope that he doesn't come find you.

You're trembling and shaking before finding that a tear has slipped out of your crimson eyes, then another one. Soon you are silently sobbing in your blankets, in a ball of your own sorrow. What's even worse, a few minutes later you can hear the dreadful knocking on the door. Suddenly tensing up, you listen as someone's fist pounds on the door again. "STRIDER, ARE YOU IN THERE?" You can hear the concern and worry in his voice but refrain from making a noise. Scared of what he will think of you in this state. Afraid how angry he will be at you. Fearing how he will react in general. A moment of silence passes before he tries to open the door. Locked. Not a problem for him because you see his sickle go through the gap and break the lock before he enters and you hide under your cover again.

For a while another moment of silence passes as he understands what the situation is. Self harming Strider is under a blanket crying his eyes out. The silence is broken by a small sigh. Karkat approaches, closing the door behind him and getting on the bed with you. "Strider?" He doesn't yell, which fucking shocks you since it is the only thing he does. The yelling is replaced with a soft tone, full of worry and concern for you. Fuck, why do you make people worry about you? Another reason to off the failure (aka you). Your knees are huddled to your chest and your head is hung low, still hidden under the blanket. Karkat pokes you and assumes correctly that you are under the blanket. "Dave?" Wow, he doesn't cease to amaze you as he uses your first name for once. "mm..." You reply. Your voice is muffled and you don't want to speak or you might start crying all over Karkat.

He understands you don't want to speak and he tries to find the top of the blanket. When he does, he lifts it off your head and it falls on your legs slightly. From the side he can see the position you're in and he looks at you with pity, you don't look at him though. Your shades were not close and Karkat would easily stop you from grabbing them. Also your eyes were red and puffy from crying. "Dave... are you, alright?" He gently whispers to you, edging closer slowly. He gets under the cover as well, that way there aren't as many barriers. At his voice though, you start shaking, feeling the tears in your eyes. You hold yourself tighter and closer, as if you were preparing yourself for a punch. Karkat just stares, you never looked so broken and the emotions you were displaying had only ever been seen by him. He nudged closer.

"Dave, I know I'm," He looks for the right word. " -not exactly the first person you want to talk to, in fact I'm most probably the last," You clench your fists in attempt to hold your feeling in. You are literally on the verge of pouncing on him and just crying all over him. "-But if you want to talk to someone then you can talk to me," You are trembling and so very on the verge of a mental breakdown. "-And if you don't want to talk to me you always have Rose and everyone else. And Dave," Your tears are flowing down your cheeks and your sobbing is becoming more audible. "I'm here for you." Fuck it. You let yourself have a mental break down, unable to contain it anymore. You fling yourself into Karkat's arms and your cries are louder than ever. You cry your eyes out on Karkat, the last person you thought would have cared.

He wraps his arms around you in a tight embrace, staying away from your wrists. He then runs a hand through your hair whilst patting your back lightly in a calming way. You just cry and cry, unable to do anything else but mumble in between sobs 'I'm sorry'. You are sorry, for Karkat seeing you this distraught, for all those people you couldn't save, to all the people you made sad or unhappy. Hell, you're sorry to yourself, for being so pathetic. Karkat just rubs your back, whispering sweet words in your ear. You can't hear the words but you know they are comforting. You drift into a nice slumber, without nightmares and guilt, just feeling as light as a feather as you listen to the beat of Karkat's heart which is a nice, steady rhythm.

You wake up, not daring to open your eyes since they feel like they're glued up. But you do listen and feel where you are. You're in your bed, the blanket is next to you and slightly on your legs. You are on your...mattress? No, mattresses aren't that comfy and don't emit a steady beat... Oh shit! You jolt up rapidly, hissing in pain as you lent on your arm. Ripping open your eyes and squinting due to the lights being on, you look at the troll passed out underneath you. Currently you are sitting on top of him, legs next to his sides, and then you lean in slightly to 'examine' him, when really you are totally staring at him.

His breathing is even and his chest rises and falls with every breath. It's kinda cute. You mainly notice how relaxed he is when asleep, the permanent scowl and furrowed eyebrows lost and now chillaxed. His hands twitch once because you aren't in his arms and he groans quietly, as if he was sad that you aren't with him. You frown, scolding yourself for what happened 09:56:33 seconds ago. Nearly 10 hours earlier. You would think that within 10 hours someone would have looked for you and seen you and Karkat in bed together. Oh fuck, you are starting to blush. Scratch that, you are practically a fucking tomato over here. Apparently thinking about being in bed/sleeping with someone is making you blush. After reducing your blush at the situation, you return to staring at Karkat, this time intently.

You notice the light dusting of barely noticeable freckles speckling his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, and find yourself pretty close to his face. So close, you know he's about to wake up. He yawns groggily and rubs at an eye. When he opens his eyes you turn away and sit straight up, ignoring the confused gaze. Removing his legs from beneath you, he sits on his legs and looks at you, but you don't look at him. "Strider, look at me." He kindly tells you to look at him yet you keep your head facing away. No one is allowed to see your eye colour. You think he gets why you won't look at him so he decides to jump on you and pin you down, holding your hands down without touching your wrists and using his legs to keep yours from flailing. You try to escape his grasp whilst closing your eyes though it's pretty pointless and you calm down once you give up.

"Dave. Look at me." His voice is commanding and calm. You keep you eyes closed at all times though. He sighs and then you can feel him experimentally tugging at the bottom of your long sleeves, as if to say 'can I take a look?'. You let him and he releases your hands, then lifts your arm up closer to his face and is about to roll your sleeves up when you stop him. " It'd be easier if I took my shirt off." You silently state and he nods in approval. You grab the bottom of your shirt up and lift it upwards, getting your head out of it. Now for the arms, you roll the sleeves of your shirt off as Karkat gasps in shock. Scars line your wrists and you look away, ashamed that Karkat has to see this. After processing how bad it is, he runs a finger over some, his hand jumping back when you hiss in pain.

"How long?" He questions is obvious shock. You reply with the shrug of your shoulders, then move your arms out of sight and turn your back to Karkat, glaring at the cuts. Your arms were definitely bloody, most of it dry and you heard Karkat get up due to all the shuffling. "Don't leave this room, I will be back in a minute." He begins walking away when you freeze. "Don't you dare get Rose or anyone else!" Your voice is laced with venom but Karkat gives an understanding nod and leaves, shutting the door behind him. You sigh and grab your shades. You really don't know why you place them on, because the tears can still be seen rolling down your cheeks.

By the time Karkat gets back, you are sprawled across the bed (still shirtless and slightly chilly) letting the tears freely flow onto the pillow. You aren't making any noise though, which worries Karkat. Speaking of Karkat, he is carrying a big basin of water, a bottle of anti-infection stuff and a small rag. As soon as you recognize what he is attempting to do, you jolt up and back into the corner of the room whilst on your bed. He shoots you are sorrowful, pitiful look and places the basin on the floor and sits with it, patting the floor next to him. You decide it would be a good idea to get it treated, but common sense knows it will sting like a bitch. Still, you take the offer and sit on the floor, arms extended as he gets a small bowl (you realize he didn't use a bucket to carry the water) and fills it with water then tips it on the cuts. Yup, it stings like a bitch. You hiss and resist the urge to itch your wrists. Once done, Karkat wipes off the blood using the rag then applies the disinfectant and you find it hard to not rip apart your flesh. Then he bandages them, huh, you didn't see them before. Then he turns to you.

He must notice how melancholy you are because he hugs you. "We're gonna get through this together, okay?" You feel the way his words waver and you know he is sick with worry. Another punch of guilt to the gut. When he let's go you nod, at a loss of words for how supportive he is. "Okay, that settles it. I'm pretty much your human equivalent of a moirail." He almost proudly states that and you feel more brighter when he says that. "And when was this decided?" You ask in a cocky fashion, getting your cool kid style back, this time letting your emotions show. No poker face. He snorts. "Well since I'm the one in charge here, I make the decisions." He purposely avoided calling you a train wreck and you are grateful for that.

"Oh but what if I think of you differently?" You smirk and Karkat raises an eyebrow. Especially when you get closer to him. His eyebrows up, breathe hitched and slightly blushing from how close you are to him, is pretty funny. But you are pretty serious. Your faces are extremely close and you lightly bite his bottom lip, making him gasp. He is really surprised and you decide to push him to the ground, you on top of him. He makes a small 'eek!' and gazes at you for a long time, confused. "Hey Karkat, your blood colour is red right?" You ask, already knowing the answer. He nods in shame. You smirk and remove your shades, flinging them on a small bedside table with perfect accuracy then open your eyes.

His jaw dropped, he had never been more surprised in his life. Both of your gazes locked in place and he just stared, mouth agape, at your eyes. "They're beautiful." Karkat lifted his hand to your cheek and came closer, fascinated by the candy red eyes. "In our world, people with red eyes are mutants. People don't like them, so I wear the shades to hide them." You explained as he shook his head. "They are gorgeous Strider, don't let anyone tell you that they're not. If they do, I will punch them. Hard." Karkat smiled, a genuine smile, and you did the same, almost as if you were a mirror.

Then what amazed you was that he took the first move, pressing his lips against yours gently, slightly unsure of how you would react. You react by pushing him against the ground, kissing him back. Your hand goes under his shirt and you pull him flush against your body. Just as your getting into it though, you hear someone clear their throat. Both of you glare at Rose who stands in the doorway, arms crossed as she smirks at you two. You both roll your eyes at the same time. "Don't mind me, I will go tell Kanaya that not to worry and that you are both fine." At the exact time, you both extended your middle fingers at her as she left, before returning to what you were doing.

"So we are totally... matesprits now?"

"Wow you actually remembered the fucking quadrant! And yes fuckass, we are."


End file.
